A bump in the road

- by Kim

Where to begin.

First I guess, with the facts...

My body is not responding to the hormones. Today my uterine lining was measured only at 4.7 mm, which is only up 0.7 mm since Thursday. Not good news. They need for it to be a minimum of 8 mm before we can consider doing an embryo transfer. This means that after the retrieval their embryos will have to be frozen, as my body is in no shape to receive them. It just doesn't seem to be co-operating with what we want and need it to do. I will be stopping all my medications, and giving my body a break to try to get on track "naturally," and it will be at least 2 months before we can try a transfer. Now that there's no need to worry about keeping our bodies in synch, they'll keep the embryos frozen, and monitor my body for when it might be ready to receive them. 

Since the hormones haven't had the effect they wanted, what they plan to do is let my body get back onto its own schedule, monitor it and try to do a transfer when my lining is naturally at its thickest; when conception would typically take place for a 'normal' pregnancy. We're hoping that there are no problems with my lining, since I've had 2 healthy pregnancies already without any trouble conceiving, so the assumption is that my body knows what to do. My understanding is that once my cycle re-starts, I'll start going to the clinic for monitoring so they can see what my body is doing, and then hopefully try to transfer either my next cycle, or whenever my body is ready. Though it's not the end of the world, it was still a big disappointment today.

On the emotional side...

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster. Janelle and I went to the clinic together this morning feeling optimistic and hopeful. Saying the news was a "disappointment" doesn't seem to really cover it. It's hard, because there's so much time and effort to get this point, that it's impossible not to get emotionally invested in the process. I hope and dream of what may be, and though this isn't the end, it's still a tough pill to swallow. Going into this, we all know that there's the possibility that it may or may not take, but I had never considered the possibility that for some reason we wouldn't make it to the point where we could not even attempt a transfer.

Even though I know it's not my fault, there's still a part of me that feels like I've let everyone down. I know there's nothing more that I could have/should have done, but there's a part of me that feels guilty, that it's my body that's the 'snag' in this process. The rational and emotional side of things don't always go hand in hand, and as much as I can tell myself, or other people may reassure me it's not my fault, the feelings are still tough to take, regardless of how irrational they may be. 

So after hearing this unexpected news, and the doctor and technician left the exam room I couldn't help it and the tears came. It was the last place I wanted to be teary-eyed. We got ourselves composed, went to the car and had a good cry. The realization that we wouldn't be able to transfer was starting to sink in. I felt terrible, and there was nothing I could do. There was no way to change things. We had a good talk, and it's a real testament to how incredible Janelle is, because she sat there and consoled me. She told me about the positives about this all, how nice it will be for me to be off the medications and hormones again, and to give my body a bit of a break. I hardly saw that as a "positive" though, and would stay on the medication protocol as long as needed without a second thought if it would change things. She reminded me that in the big picture of things, 2 months isn't a whole lot. The more I think about it, it's pretty amazing - in that it's her loss so much more than my own. But I'm not going to call it a 'loss'; that doesn't seem right. It's just a hiccup. 
But it has been a tough day. 

So for the time being, we'll focus on staying positive and putting our energy on just one thing at a time. Right now it's the upcoming retrieval, and getting as many good quality embryos that we can. We'll all get through that, and then move on to the next thing we have to work on. Nobody said this was going to be easy.

On the plus side though - Carl and I have now been given the 'ok' to resume our "marital relations" as long as we're careful and take all necessary precautions. It's been a long time :o