Try, try again

 ~ by Kim

I've been meaning to write sooner, but the past couple days have been so busy for me, and it's been hard to find the time to be able to write more than just a "yes/no". Yesterday we had several things on the go, which made for a hectic day, and I had to work an overnight shift, so the free time that I did have was spent trying to get some sleep before going to work. 

As you can tell by the title of this post, we didn’t get the result we were hoping for. We are “officially” not pregnant.

This wasn’t a big surprise for us, as I had done a few tests and each time it was negative. I hoped like crazy, but I never really “felt” pregnant. So many people say that when they’re pregnant, they just “know”, and I never had that feeling; though not for lack of wanting. By Sunday, I called Janelle and told her that I was pretty certain that it hadn’t stuck, and told her about the tests I had done and the results. In a way, it was nice because it gave both of a chance to process the information so it wasn’t such a shock to get negative test results yesterday; and if we were wrong it would be a really amazing surprise. Even though I was expecting the negative results, there was still a part of me that was hopeful, thinking that home pregnancy tests are not always accurate and that there must be a reason why we had to wait till that specific day for the test. That maybe Sunday (3 days earlier than our scheduled bloodwork and when I was pretty sure of the results) was still too early for detection. Sort of wishful thinking on my part, but it’s easy to hold on to what you want to believe.

The feelings since finding out have been varied. Of course we are all disappointed, and initially I felt a little bummed out.  Since having some time to let it all sink in, I’m now feeling optimistic and ready to jump in again for round two. I still have moments where I feel a little sad, but I try to keep those to a minimum and look forward instead. There's so much in this journey that you just can't prepare for, so it has definitely been a great lesson in patience and perseverance. I've read other blogs where it didn't happen on the first try and found a lot of comfort and reassurance from those, especially seeing the amazing positive outcomes that have resulted. It reminds me that it's not always us who get to call the shots. 

Janelle and I had a good talk yesterday, and we’re both looking forward to moving ahead. We’re down, but definitely not out! We still have 3 embryos frozen, and maybe it was just one of those little ones that was meant to be. 

I spoke with the co-ordinator of the clinic yesterday, and our new plan is:

1. Stop all meds.                      - Hooray!
2. Wait for period                    - meh....
3. Restart the process              - Here we go again...ready to bring it on! :)

The good news is, she said that my period should be starting within a few days rather than a full 4 or more weeks, so the waiting time won't be as long. We were definitely excited about that!

After all the news and events yesterday I felt a little preoccupied, thinking of everything we've done and the road still ahead. Unfortunately sleep did not come easy as I tried to get ready for my night. Sometimes it's hard to quiet your mind and I only managed about a 20 minute nap before work, (mid-day) and then just lied there the rest of the time awake. My shift is from 7 pm till 7 am and by 9 pm I felt ready for bed. I took advantage of not being pregnant, and guzzled copious amounts of coffee and then finished off my shift off with a flu shot. 

And now it's time for round 2...

Let's get knocked up!