It's been 8 days since we did the embryo transfer.
Most of the time I feel pretty good, both emotionally and physically, but I do have my moments where my thoughts run amuck and I feel like I'm all over the place. One moment, I'm cool as a cuke, and the next I feel disappointed thinking that it may not have worked. I think I overanalyze each little thing as I try to compare how I'm feeling to what I remember from my previous pregnancies. Were my breasts more tender, did I have cramping, was there more fatigue... I'm my own worst enemy, and even though I know it's completely different circumstances, I find it hard not to do it. I try to remind myself that it's still really so early, and not to jump the gun and get too ahead of myself. My mind jumps all over the place, from one minute thinking that the embryo was perfect (will stick) and then the next feeling insecure and wondering about my uterine lining only measuring 6mm (may not stick).
Ever since we did the transfer, I've tried to think of it as a 50/50 chance of it taking. I think it's because if I think of the stats as being any higher than that, I might get too excited or confident that it will take. (i.e. 60/40....majority rules, right?!?) I'm afraid to let myself think like that, and that the disappointment if it doesn't stick would then be that much harder.
I remember when we were still in the early stages of this whole process, reading other blogs and seeing so many things on the internet where surrogates would write about how much they wanted it to work and how disappointed they felt after a failed transfer or when things didn't quite go as planned. At the time, I didn't understand it and found it surprising that they would take it so hard. I remember thinking, it's not like it's their baby, why are they so worked up? (I'm sure anyone who's been through the surrogacy process is scoffing right now reading that.) But now I get it. Now I'm in that boat, and I'm just like them. It's a new understanding and it's funny because you don't really know what it's like until you're here.
There are times that I feel more anxious in this waiting period than I did with my own kids. When we were trying for ours, it was more like: try, cross our fingers and hope; but if it didn't happen on the first try, it wasn't the end of the world as we could just try again next month. It would be a little disappointing if it didn't happen, but not really a biggie. (We were really fortunate that both our girls were conceived within the first two months of trying.) There's so much we've all gone through in this journey just to get to this point. I think of all the energy, effort and cost, as well as the emotional ups and downs to do all of this, and how it's so much more than just counting days on the calendar. It gives me a whole new appreciation for babies conceived with IVF and surrogacy.
And now the big question everyone has been asking me....
Have I peed on a stick?