A little bit of crazy is ok, right?

~ by Kim

Fatigue has hit me like a freight train this week. I don't know how I would have gotten through the week had Carl not been off for 3 days and the girls were in daycare for one day. Every day I've been napping, sometimes more than once and still I'm ready for bed by 7:30 pm. My energy is in the toilet, motivation is zilch and patience is thin. I've also been fighting a cold that I haven't been able to shake, which doesn't help. I feel bad because I know it's the girls who suffer the most and Carl who picks up all the slack. I lose patience with them sooner than I would normally and feel bad about it afterwards. I'm wondering if maybe my body isn't absorbing the iron properly, but I don't know if that's just me trying to find some explanation to while I've been feeling so crummy. I've recently been on some additional medications, and I wonder if they might contradict each other?

Lily keeps asking how much longer, and when are Janelle and Joel coming to get their baby. She's asked me if once the baby is out, if I'll have energy again. Ouch. Talk about making me feel guilty.

We made a countdown calendar, and each morning we cross off a day. I'm hoping something visual will help her with time, as I don't think she understands what 'one more month' really means.

Counting Down!

As we get closer to the due date, I've been having a mixture of emotions. There's excitement, nervousness, relief and even a little bit of fear. Right now I'm excited for Janelle and Joel to have a new baby but also really excited at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. It's such a long haul, and I'm at the stage now where it's not much fun. The end is in sight, but still just out of reach and at times it takes such a toll on the family.

I'm exhausted. I'm grumpy. I'm swollen. I'm uncomfortable. I'm sick.

And I'm whiny. (Obviously)  

Even though there are still 5 weeks till our due date, I'm now only 2 weeks away from being considered "full term". It's hard not to think about how everything is going to go as we approach delivery, and we still have a lot of logistics to figure out. I'm very much a 'planner' by nature, so not feeling organized gives me some anxiety. We still have yet to figure out some of the details, like who will watch the girls when we go to the hospital, as well as when I get back home and have the physical recovery to deal with. Most likely Carl will be working, and the thought of being on my own with the kids immediately postpartum is a little bit daunting, even if the delivery goes smoothly. Then there's the questions like what happens if labour starts in the middle of the night, and who's available if we need to move fast. I also worry about the thought of Carl not being there when it's time to go. He doesn't have any time off, so I don't know how that will work out still. Maybe baby will come on his days off? I can't even fathom the idea of doing this without him there. He's a nurse at the hospital (a different one from where we'll be delivering) so it's not a job that he can just take off at a moment's notice. 

When Rowan was born, the entire labour and delivery was 2 1/2 hours from start to finish. I felt my first contraction and was holding her in my arms a couple of hours later. We arrived at the hospital within the hour of my first contraction, and when we got there I was at 4 cm. I became one of those crazy screamers that you see in the movies. In the delivery room, amidst the throws of childbirth, I cried out (some may say growled) that I wanted an epidural - but when they checked me I was already at 9 cm. They told me I had gone from 4 to 9 cm in 20 minutes (hence the intensity of the pain the my screaming out like a lunatic) and it was too late for an epidural. I was offered the gas, which I tried, but found it didn't really do too much as far as pain control and only made me feel woozy. So "au naturel" it was for her. She came fast and furious, which I think only adds to my current anxiety for this delivery, wondering if this baby might be anything like my last delivery and what we'll do if we need to move fast again. Last time my mom was around, but this time she'll be out of town when we're due. 

I guess for the time being, I hope that my need to have things organized and planned doesn't start driving me (and everyone around me) nuts.

I will try to find my inner zen and take deep breaths...  

Maybe now would be a good time to figure out which of these I need most. I probably shouldn't do all of them...you know, being pregnant and all.  ; )

I could start a Facebook poll... 

Carl's the nurse. I'll ask him.

After all, he does work in psychiatry. 

I figure if I start to go crazy - he can bring me in to work with him.

Hopefully the staff there will be nice to me.  :)