What it's like so far...

~ by Kim

Saying that this is surreal doesn't seem to fully cover it.

We've had some time to digest the news, and there are times I'm still in awe. There are some moments where this feels like the most normal thing in the world, and others times where I still can't believe it. I'm actually pregnant.

People ask how I am doing, and I sometimes joke by responding "mentally or physically?" There's a lot of truth to that response though, as the answers are very different.

Emotionally, I'm doing great! At least as far as the pregnancy is concerned...haha! I feel excited about where we're at, am feeling positive and looking forward to the future. This really is such a different experience, one that I suppose not too many people get to experience.

I think one of the most common questions or concerns people have regarding surrogacy, is the ability to carry a baby for 9 months and then "give it away." You go into it, knowing right from the onset that this is not your baby. This really could not be truer. I don't have the same attachment as I did with my own pregnancies. I feel more protective instead, wanting to do everything I can to give this baby the best start and ensure that everything goes uneventfully perfect. I find myself doing things like shielding my abdomen when the girls come jumping on the couch, trying to rest when I feel I need it, and eating enough regularly. No more skipping breakfast. I don't have daydreams of the future with another baby, or imagine pushing a newborn in a stroller and choosing a cute tiny outfit to bring home a new baby in. My daydreams with this baby end at delivery, and then seem to skip to the future - with Janelle and Joel coming to visit with two kids instead of just one. Or us going to Calgary and all the kids playing together outside. I've read it described not as "giving a baby away, but giving a baby back." I think this is such a great way to describe it, and really sums up some of the feelings. I think this is healthy.

Physically, the last little while has been just ok. It seems that I soon as I got pregnant, I got sick. Not as in morning sickness, but a cold. And being pregnant, there's nothing I can really take for it. My theory is that my body's energy is now being diverted, and the energy that was being expended fighting off all the bugs is now going towards growing this baby. I read on one of those baby-centre type websites, that said my body is currently undertaking the "Herculean task of forming the placenta." That made me smile. It reminds me of just how much my body is doing right now in these early stages. Along with my cold, I've also had some of the other early pregnancy symptoms, including bloating, cramping, breast tenderness, increased appetite and FATIGUE! Oh the fatigue...the other day I was completely wiped out and ready for bed, but then looked at the clock and it was only 5:38 pm. With a lot of effort I managed to stay up till 8:00 pm, and then passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. There was also a day at work where I vomited. Gross. I'm hoping it's a good sign that things are going well.

So now we have one more week till the ultrasound. There seems to be a lot of waiting with surrogacy.

And the question everyone is asking me about:   How do I really feel about the idea of twins?

At first, I was scared. I feel silly to write this, as people have twins everyday and it's not a big deal. There are so many unknowns...will they both develop properly, would I need a C-section, would there be bedrest, dealing with premature babies, and then caring for my girls at the same time during a "higher risk pregnancy." It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Having had some time to think about it more, I've decided not to worry about it, and I have faith that whatever is meant to be will happen.

Regardless whether it's one or two, I will be thrilled.