Back home

Vegas was great! We had a fantastic time, and it was so nice to get away and spend time together again as a couple. I definitely feel like I got a good break before we move ahead with the plans. Here we are in Vegas, at one of the shows that we went to where they take your picture and then sell them at the end. I'm such a sucker for pictures. 

I've started having a few side effects from the medications, but what has been bothering me most are the headaches and nausea. The plane ride wasn't much fun, and I found myself actually looking in the pocket in the seat in front of me to see if they still had the barf bags. Take off, landing, and the slightest turbulence made my stomach turn and my head spin. Apart from that, I've also got cramping, bloating, and much to my dismay, weight gain - having put on about 5 lbs. since I first started the meds. (Nothing to do with the Vegas buffets, I'm sure.) I pulled out the info sheets from the pharmacist, and looked online last night, and this is all completely normal. I remind myself that it's all for the greater good when I'm tugging a bit harder to close the button on my pants :) The dose of my hormones doubles tomorrow, so I'm hoping that the side effects don't as well. In the meantime, Tylenol and Ibuprofen are my new best friends!


One nice surprise that I received when I got home, was some beautiful flowers waiting for me! On one of my phone calls home while we were gone, my mother-in-law told me that some flowers had arrived for me, but she didn't know who they were from, and asked if I would like her to open the card. Of course I said yes, as it's not everyday that I get flowers! They were from Janelle's brother, who I've never met, and along with them was the nicest card. She read it over the phone, and it touched me more than I would've expected. I'll share his words, and hope that he doesn't mind.

Kim,
About a year and a half ago, I got a call saying "the doctors haven't given up hope, but they don't expect her to make it." But she did. Now I find out someone like you is on this planet and in my sister's life. Thank you. (Carl too)

I'm not sure if it's the elevated hormone levels, but I think I would have had a good cry right then, had we not already had plans and needed to get going. I remembered that time too, getting the emails and waiting to hear about Janelle, and that everyone was going to be ok. I remember my heart breaking for her in hearing about the hysterectomy, and thinking how devastating it was; as we were planning for our own baby. All these emotions and memories stemming from this little card that came with these flowers. It took me back to that time, and I needed a minute to compose myself again before we could go. It's funny how a few words can have such an effect on you. Especially when you're least expecting it. 

In the meantime, the countdown is really on now! One week to go till everyone's here! Can't wait!

Viva Las Vegas!

Tomorrow we leave on our trip to Vegas, and I am SO excited! It will be our first time leaving the girls, so I'm a little bit nervous about that, but even more excited about going. The kids will be with my in-laws, so I know they'll be fine. I'm sure routines and schedules will get a little hazy, and there will most likely be extra treats and goodies, but I hear that's what being with grandparents is about.

This is the beginning of what is going to be a hectic month! We're in Vegas for 5 days, back home for 1, then off camping with the girls for 3, back home for 2, and then will have everyone here while we go through the process of our first attempt doing the embryo transfer. Janelle, her mom, and Joel will be here before we know it! I'm pretty excited! Will try to get our house back in order before everyone gets here, so it doesn't completely look like a tornado has just been through it. (Key word here is "try")

This morning I went for another ultrasound and more bloodwork at the clinic. This was done to get a baseline of where my body is at, my hormone levels since my depot injection and my endometrial lining. I was talking to the doctor about our upcoming plans and that we were off to Vegas tomorrow, and we figured that since we're about to do all of this, we thought we deserved to have a 'last hurrah' before getting knocked up again. He was in full agreement, and told me that it was GREAT idea! It's nice to have medical endorsement for our upcoming week of excess. Heheh...

The technician and I were talking about Vegas while the doctor was doing the procedure; restaurants, shows, casinos and hotels, and in between I'd hear him call out numbers and results of my tests, that she would then mark down. Now I wish I'd been paying more attention. The only thing that I'm sure I definitely heard, was that my lining is thin right now, which is neither good nor bad, just normal as to where I am at in my cycle. They'll take control of it tomorrow as I start taking my Estrace, a medication to start making the lining of my uterus as thick as it can be, which is needed in order to be able to receive the embryo(s). Wow! Seeing that (s) there at the end of embryo, makes me realize it could be more than one. Though I've known this forever, it really hits me seeing it in print, and typing it out. Crazy.

I'm excited for what's to come, and looking forward to the next few weeks.

So in the meantime...hello Sin City! No cooking, no cleaning, no diapers and no getting up at the crack of dawn for this gal! And who knows - we might even be able to bring back some of the money we left behind last time we went there!  :)

Much Ado About Nothing

The injection was a piece of cake.

I like to think it was because I have a great pain tolerance, and not because of extra padding I may have to 'soften the blow' of getting poked in the rear end.

I can take this moment of enlightenment, learn from this experience and realize that I shouldn't worry prematurely about things beyond my control. More realistically... I should aim to get better control over my 'inner-wimp'.  :)

Hello Lupron... goodnight ovaries

So on Friday I get my Lupron depot, a long lasting intramuscular injection. I've read that some people do daily SC (subcutaneous) injections, meaning just under the skin, but instead of doing those I'll be having just one IM injection that goes directly into the muscle. I'm not sure which I think is worse. This injection will "put my ovaries to sleep" and temporarily stop the production of estrogen and progesterone. Hmmm.....I wonder if I'm going to be a bit of a hormonal mess. I guess I'll let you know next week.  :)

I'm feeling a bit nervous about it, and thinking of getting an intramuscular injection makes me feel a little queasy. I've only had 2 IM injections before, and all I remember from both is the pain. The first one was at work, maybe 10 years ago when there was a hepatitis scare and the staff needed to get shots. I don't remember if they were vaccinations or boosters or what exactly it was they gave us. The second time was when Rowan was born. I hemorrhaged after delivery and they gave me a shot to stop the bleeding. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting it, maybe it was because I was tired, but I yelped out. It really hurt. Afterwards, and even now, I feel silly having that as a prominent memory of the birth of my daughter as I had just gone through a natural birth without any pain medication, and it's the injection that I complain about. Ridiculous.  

Initially I was supposed to go to the clinic on Friday to have an ultrasound as well as the injection, but I no longer need the ultrasound. Because of this, I've asked the staff if my husband could give me the injection at home rather than have to make a trip just for that, as the injection itself is supposed to be administered by a physician. My husband is a nurse and gives injections everyday, otherwise I don't think it would be a go. It will be so much more convenient though, so for that I'm grateful. I'm not sure if my husband feels the same way yet, as I'm not sure what kind of patient I'll be. I've asked where it will be "administered" and looks like it's going to be in the rump. Oy! I'll try not to curse him as I bend over :)

So Friday is the day. I feel nervous. I feel silly for feeling nervous. I feel a little anxious. This is really happening now. This month will be spent prepping my body with more medications and drugs that I've ever taken before.

I'm posting some pictures of the Lupron. Pretty big needle, eh? (Just thought I'd add that last part to remind any international readers that I'm in Canada) Actually, those were the actual words that I thought, and even though reading it back I realize how stereotypically Canadian it looks, I thought it'd be fun to keep it that way. Maybe I'm still reeling from all of our recent Canada day celebrations and feeling a little patriotic. After all, my almost 4 year old is still sporting her maple leaf tattoos! 

45 Days

- by Janelle (Intended Mother)

It's funny how you get into things with such energy and excitement that you forget to figure out where you're going or what every step will be along the way. As we approach August - our month for egg retrieval and first attempt at embryo implantation (yay!) - I find myself getting little glimpses of what I will experience.

The wonderful clinical coordinator I've been in correspondence with recently wrote me an email with details around the hormones I'll be on to stimulate egg growth. She was in touch with the fertility clinic where I live as they are organizing medications for me (along with other monitoring) and here is a little bit of what she wrote:

"They do not carry Repronex so we have switched you to Luveris and changed the dose of Gonal-F. The good news for you is that Luveris doesn’t burn like the Repronex..."

I found myself laughing after reading this because I didn't even know in the first place that Repronex would burn! I'm happy to know that the change has been made, but also should point out that a little burning would not have bothered me. Anyone who's ever tried to get pregnant or has kids knows that you'll do anything for your child or a chance to have one!

Kim has done a lot of online reading and has recently shared with me a blog that's getting a lot of attention in the States called "A Belly for Me, A Baby for You". The great thing about this blog for us (hope I'm not putting words into your mouth Kim) is that we get a personal perspective on the procedures and emotions that both the surrogate and intented mother are experiencing. Today I went back and read about the egg retrieval process which Kim told me had been written about. Figured after finding out about burning meds I should inform myself a bit more ;)

Here are the things that stood out for me about egg retrieval:

1. The intended mother was put under for about 30 minutes
   --> I have to admit this makes me nervous because I went in and out from being under a few times after the delivery of my son and some of the memories I wish to forget.
2. She woke up in a lot of pain and was given Vicoden
   --> hmmm, I like to believe that I have high pain tolerance, but I'm glad that pain medication exists.
3. Afterwards her ovaries were the size of an orange and will stay that way for about a month
   --> wowzers! I'm sure that as you read this you get an idea of what I'm thinking here.

I know that every person responds to hormone treatment differently and the care you receive from fertility clinics can vary. The great thing is that I have total faith in the doctors I'm with and I'll have lots of support from my family (of course Kim is included when I say this!)

Is this all really happenning? I still can't completely wrap my head around it. Maybe when I start giving myself hormone injections it will become more "real" to me. In the meantime I've started the countdown to when I'll see Kim next and we have our first go at IVF:

45 DAYS (until I'm in Victoria)!

Slowing down

It feels like it's been awhile since I've written. People keep asking me what's going on and where we're at with the process, so I thought I'd write a short update. Right now there's not too much going on as we're just waiting to get everything started next month. I'm now on continuous birth control pills, and go for my first of several ultrasounds in 3 weeks. We've all gotten our "protocol" and I was just putting all my info/dates/tests in the calendar for next month, when I realized how quickly it's coming up! Hard to believe that we're already in mid June.

I've also come to the realization that I need to slow down a bit. I've only been back to work from mat leave since mid March, and since then I feel like I've been trying to find the balance between home and work. Right now I'm working full time around my husband's full time job without the kids being in daycare. We're very fortunate that our parents help as much as they do, but there are times it's still tough. It's exhausting trying to figure out schedules for work, kids, school and childcare, and we're both starting to get tired. Often we feel like ships passing in the night - as he gets home from work, I head out. We're fortunate that with both of us working at the hospital that we have the option of shift work, but there are some days that are a struggle to get through. I have shifts that are pre-booked right up till mid August, and normally I would fill in the gaps in my schedule by picking up shifts from short notice sick calls. This week I made the decision not to pick up any more this summer, as we're barely keeping up at this pace, and I miss the girls too much. 12 hour shifts can be a doozy, and I hate when everyone's sleeping when I leave, and already in bed when I get home. Housework, laundry and cooking are at a bare minimum these days, and I won't even tell you about the tragedy we call the garden.

Time to regain control of the house!

Lessons from reality TV

So my cousin has got me watching a reality show that follows around a celebrity couple as they go about their day to day life. It’s not what I would typically watch or recommend, and my husband finds the main character pretty irritating. What has got me somewhat following it, is that right now the couple is going through the process of surrogacy. Their circumstances are different than ours, but it’s been interesting seeing things from the other side, watching the experiences of the couple unable to carry a child and seeing a different perspective.

One of the struggles that the intended or genetic mother was having was trusting someone else to carry her baby. I had never thought of that before, and as I did I realized what a big deal that is. She worried about the surrogate taking care of herself, drinking too much soda and eating fried chicken. Though I found some of her diet concerns humorous, I could see how it could be really difficult having to relinquish control. It’s completely entrusting somebody else with one of the most precious things you’ve got.  Though I make no promises about abstaining from fried chicken, I sure will do my darndest to take the best possible care any baby that I get blessed enough to carry for them. (There’s my mushy moment of the day)

It’s amazing how little things can get you so excited. Got a call from the coordinator of VCF, and we're getting the schedule going for July! I’ll be having ultrasounds every 2 weeks to check the uterine lining, and starting the hormones and injections. Who would’ve thought I’d ever get excited about injections?!?

On a completely different note, my husband and I decided that since we were going to be doing another pregnancy, we really wanted to try to get away and do something fun before getting started. Last night, we booked a trip to Vegas! It’s not that we can’t do things and have fun while pregnant, but obviously a trip to Vegas is a different kind of fun. The best part of the trip is that we’re going WITHOUT KIDS!!! I can't tell you how excited I am! We haven’t gone away on our own since Lily was 18 months old, and she’ll be 4 this summer! Time sure flies! I don’t think either of us remember what it’s like to sleep past 7:00 a.m. and even that is a considered a treat these days.

Can’t wait for days at the pool, restaurants, shows and slots, and the “complimentary” cocktails! Woohoo!

Timing

It's been awhile since I've written! Have been so busy lately with work and home, that finding the time to write isn't always easy. 


The biopsy results are back, and from a medical point of view, we're all good to go! We've also completed all of the legal contracts, so now it's just timing and deciding WHEN to do the transfer. Co-ordinating schedules, summer vacations as well as our cycles for egg retrieval and implantation is more work than anticipated. It looks like June is going to be a bit rushed, and we've decided to skip July and look at August instead for a few different reasons. The doctor at the fertility centre is going to be away the first part of July, so mid July would be the next earliest time to transfer the embryos. My husband has 2 1/2 weeks off at the end of July, and we were hoping to get away for a bit and Janelle and Joel have also got some vacation plans late July as well, so waiting till August just seems to make sense.


While we're preparing for the egg retrieval, Janelle will need daily injections and close monitoring at the clinic. After her eggs are collected, they'll fertilize them and then grow them in a lab for 3-5 days before transferring them to me. While this is going on, I'll be taking hormones to thicken my uterine lining and prime my uterus to receive the embryo(s). After the transfer, I've read that I'll need to go on bed rest for a couple of days to give the embryo its best shot at "sticking". At this point, as we're not exactly sure of what to expect during those few weeks of pre and post implantation, how much it will limit us, we've decided pushing it back a month will let us all enjoy our summer vacation time, and have a 'last hurrah' before getting down to business. Initially, I was disappointed when I found out we wouldn't be transferring next month, but now I'm actually really looking forward being able to enjoy most of the summer not being pregnant, and feel really happy with our decision. So as it stands now, I think Janelle and Joel will be out our way for the end of July and we can aim to retrieve eggs the first week of August and do the transfer 3-5 days later. Exciting!


I've started being a bit more open about our plans with the surrogacy, and becoming more comfortable talking about it with people outside our immediate circle of family and friends. For the most part, people have been quite supportive, with varying degrees of interest. There have only been a couple of negative comments; usually about giving away a baby, that they didn't think they would be able to do it, the emotional side of things in the post partum period and someone even telling me outright that they didn't agree with the decision. That being said though, that reaction was from a friend who was playing devil's advocate and thinking of the emotional and physical toll this will take. It's been months now that we've been working towards this, so I'm at the point now where I feel really comfortable and confident in our decision. 


Honestly though, I don't know yet how hard this will be. How could I? Either way, it feels like the right thing for us, and I know it's worth doing. So until then I won't worry, and down the road should a time come where I do have a hard time, hopefully there will be enough people following this blog that perhaps a drove of chocolate might just appear on my doorstep. :)

Here are my babies. A reminder of why I'm doing this, and my hopes for Janelle and Joel

The Beginning - from the home & heart of the IM

Hi - this is Janelle writing (the Intended Mother, IM). I want to share with Kim and all those dear to us just how special Kim is to us. Here's how Kim's generosity and love has impacted us so far... 

It was a Thursday night when Kim called and what a moment that was for me! My husband was out curling and my son was asleep so I sat on the edge of my bed with the phone to my ear and tears rolling down my cheeks. When I think about it now I'm still in shock, that feeling where disbelief collides with reality. Is this really happening? 

Simply put, I'm never going to forget picking up the phone, seeing on the call display that a call was coming in from Kim's number and hearing her offer to be our surrogate. That was a magical moment in my life that will always stick with me! I feel extremely lucky for Kim and I know that my husband feels the same. It feels good to write this down and hard at the same time because how do you fully express what it's like for someone to offer such an amazing gift, the chance to have another child, a sibling for our son? How can you possibly say thank you? 

I know that there are still many hurdles ahead of us, but to even be presented with the chance to extend our family fills me with such happiness and excitement. I'm in awe of Kim and her husband Carl too. Surrogacy is a large undertaking and it will impact all of us in many ways and at different stages along the way.

The night Kim called the journey began for us. I'm so excited to be going down this path with Kim. She is amazing.

The tests are in...

...and my uterus is “perfect!”

I put that in quotation marks, because those were the doctor’s exact words. It's not everyday that you hear something about you is perfect! If it can't be my hair, it might as well be my uterus!

So here’s some medical jargon for you. Skip the first paragraph if it doesn’t interest you.

Yesterday I went for a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy, which they need to do before any IVF (in vitro fertilization) treatment. This is a test to detect any abnormalities inside the walls of the uterus, by injecting sterile fluid inside of the uterus. This way, the walls of the uterus separate from each other and it’s easier to see any abnormalities that may have been hiding along the sides of the walls. Think of the uterus as a collapsed balloon, if there was a small growth or bump on the inside wall, it might be hard to see since the top and bottom walls are touching each other. But if the balloon was inflated, the small growth would be easier to see since it will likely be able to hang away from the wall.

The test itself is a little uncomfortable, but really not bad. I was eager to have it done and hearing that all was well I thought for sure this would mean that we would be able to set a date. I was disappointed when I found out we still needed to wait for the biopsy results to come back first. This will take about a week, which I know is not long, but right now feels like forever. I know that it must be even harder for Joel and Janelle to wait, as they're the ones waiting to organize their trip out here. 

I got an email yesterday from Janelle’s mom that really touched me. We’ve never met, so she wanted to introduce herself and let me know how much this means for everyone. It took me reading it a couple of times to get my emotions in check, and it made me realize how this affects so many more people than just the four of us, and of course the kids. She's started following the blog, and is happy to be able to be to follow our journey this way, since she is so far away from us geographically. (Hi June!) 

It got me thinking about this blog, among of course many other things, and how I was hesitant to start it in the beginning. It was my cousin who convinced me to do it, and now I’m glad that I have. Initially, I thought it would be a good way to journal the experience, the good and bad, as well as a way to help me to sort my own thoughts and feelings as we go through this. I wasn’t sure if I’d even tell anyone that I was going to do it, and thought I would just send out my posts to cyberspace for strangers to stumble upon. I wondered if I told anyone, and I knew that there were people that I know reading, would it influence what I wrote? I worried that I may not be as honest about the good days and the bad days. Plus, who would be interested in what I had to write? It was my same cousin who told me, that of anyone who might be interested in what this experience is like for me, it would be Janelle and Joel more than anyone. That it would be a way to share this pregnancy with them even more, as we're so far apart. I realize now it can be a great way to share our journey with family and friends who may be far away from us. 

So will I be completely honest when there are days I spend throwing up and feeling terrible? That's my plan.